February 27, 2018

Want More Control in Your Life???

Rob Porter recently resigned as White House staff secretary.  A New York Times article (dated February 7, 2018) stated, “Mr. Porter announced his resignation on [Feb. 7, 2018] a day after his two former wives accused him in interviews of physical abuse when they were married to him.”

We do what we do to get our needs met. Perhaps his wives stayed in their marriages to get acceptance, security and/or companionship.  Or it is possible they didn’t get out sooner because they received (or hoped to receive) power, status and/or support.  These two women also made their declarations in an effort to get their needs met—perhaps those of validation, safety, control and/or to escape the guilt they felt for not reporting it sooner. 

In a Washington Post article (dated Feb. 12, 2018) Rob Porter’s first wife, Colbie Holderness, stated, “For me, living in constant fear of Rob’s anger and being subjected to his degrading tirades for years chipped away at my independence and sense of self-worth.”  This comment indicates perhaps she got out of the marriage to Rob Porter in an effort to regain her independence and self-worth. 

Porter’s wives may not have been aware that emotional needs were driving them to do what they did, but they did what they did in order to get their needs met.

Also, Rob Porter did what he did to meet his unmet emotional needs.  They could have been needs of acceptance, safety and/or competence.  They may have been needs of power and control.  We do what we do in order to meet unmet needs.

As human beings, we must have a certain level of control in our lives or we go crazy.  In very broad terms, two types of control exist in our lives—internal and external.  Internal control consists of things like self-discipline, acting in line with our prioritized values, choosing right because it is right even if it is hard, and managing our thoughts and feelings.  External control includes managing people and situations around us. 

To the extent we have internal control, we have little or no need for external control.  If someone is exercising a great deal of external control, it would make sense he or she is lacking internal control.  Those who have been through trauma may go to great lengths to have external control in order to maintain safety.  We do what we do in order to meet unmet needs.

Get Your Needs Met! is a self-help resource book that offers chapters of practical tools to create emotional independence and how to get your needs met.  It is available at KeyInsightsPublishing.com and for the price of a co-pay of a counseling session you will receive about 15 hours of therapeutic information. 

On March 31, 2018, a Saturday seminar, part of the Get Your Needs Met! series, will be held at the Shilo Inn.  It will be in the Temple View Room from 8:30-4:30 and will focus on tools to meet the emotional needs of: Safety, Support, Independence and Power & Control.  Register at: GetYourNeedsMet.Weebly.com.  Come and spend the day with Bob Stahn and learn how to Get Your Needs Met!

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